Sunny Deol Vs CID

Sunny (shouting on the top of his voice) : aaaayyyyyyeeeeee!!!!!!...tum mujhe aise arrest nahi kar sakte, mujhe mere papa se baat karni hai!!

Abhijeet : Papa se kyu baat karni hai??haeinnn??

Sunny : Tum shayad jaante nahi mere papa ko....kutto ka khoon peene mein expert hai!!

Fredrix : Sir, isse chhod do....mujhe to lagta hai iska baap vampire hai!!

ACP : chup raho fredrix nahi to naukri se haath dho baithoge......

Daya : Sach sach batao ki 29 taarikh ki raat ko tum kaha the??

Sunny : taarikh pe taarikh....taarikh pe taarikh....taarikh pe taarikh...main us taarikh ko apne farm house pe tha!!

Abhijeet : tumhari saari family sirf kutto ko hi target karti hai kya??...haeinnn?

Sunny : Zabaan sambhaalo....ye dhaai kilo ka haath jab kisipe padta hai, to aadmi uth ta nahi...uth jaata hai!!!

ACP : woh sab to thik hai, tumne balwantraai ke kutte ko mara....fir tumhara baap uska khoon pee gaya...kuch to gadbad zaroor hai!!

Daya : sir, mujhe lagta hai iske ghar pe raid marte hai...zaroor kutto ki haddiya milengi!

ACP : iske baap ko to hum baad mein dekhenge....pehle isse to nipat le!

Abhijeet : sach sach batao kyu mara tumne balwantraai ke kutte ko? haeinn?? mard hote hue ek aisi harkat karme ke tym pe tumhe sharam nahi aayi??

Sunny(shouting) : mard banne ka itna shock hai to kutton ka sahara laina chod de kutiya...doosron ka sahara woh leta hai jiski hadiyon mein paani bhara hota hai

ACP : ohh my gawdd! ye aise nahi maanega...daya, isse apni bhaasha mein samjhao!

Daya comes forward and gives his one tight slap (PHATTTTT!!!)

Sunny(crying) : Haa, maine hi balwantraai ke kutte ko maara hai...

ACP : Kyu mara tumne usse itna be-rehmi se?

Sunny : Usne meri mercedes ke pichhe wale tyre pe susu kar di!!

ACP : my gawd! tumhe to umar kaid ki saza hogi....fir susu karte rehna jail mein!!

ACP,"Abhijeet ab hume isske papa ko doondhna hoga..aakhir isme unka bhi haath hai.."

Abhijeeet,"Yes Sir..kyonki Sunny to paagal ho gaya hai..sirf Tareeka pe Tareeka (ACP O-o)..mera matlab hai tareek pe tareek bol raha hai.."

ACP,"Abhijeet..yeh pyaar ka chakkar tum baad me khelo..pehle ek kaam karo..tum jaake Sunny ko interrogate karo..kuch to pata chalega..Daya,Tasha..tum petshop mein jaake check karo..ki koi aadmi zyaada kutte leke gaya hain kya.."

Abhijeet,"Lekin Sir..woh galli ki kutte bhi pakad sakte hain.."

ACP,"Hmmm..ho sakta hai..lekin galli ke kutto ko rabies ho sakta hai..woh gandhe ho sakte hai..aur Dharam ke paas itne paise bhi nahi honge ki woh kutte ko injection de.."... See More

Fredericks,"Lekin Sir woh to filmstar hai!! Unki paas to bahut pasie hain..meri wife kehti hai ki main bhi superstar ban sakta hoon.."

ACP,"Haan Fredeericks..zaroor ban sakte ho..lekin iss case ke baad..aur Sunny..Dharam ne paanch saal mein ek bhi film nahi ki..to ho sakta hai..ki woh petshop jaake kutt kidnap karte ho..Viek..tum jaake police records check karo..dekho kisine missing dogs ki report likhi hai kya.."

Daya and Tasha go to petshops..and finally see one at which a curly haired woman is saying no to all the dogs..(Vodafone ad)

Daya,"Madam..yeh aap kya kar rahi hai?"

Woman,"main? Sabzi kharid rahi hoon.."

Daya,"Heiiinnnnn.."

Woman,"Dogs ki dukaan mein dogs hi milenge na..waise aap kaun?"

Tasha,"Hum CID se hain.."

Woman,"C-C-C-C-CID!!"

Daya,"Haan.."

Woman finally selects a dog and goes (Vodafone ad)

Tasha,"Sir..aapko kuch ajeeb nahi laga?"

Daya,"Kya?"

Tasha,"Sir usne achche dogs reject kiye aur ek ganda curly dog leke gayi..."

Daya,"Chalo..uska peecha karte hai.."

They follow her to her house..she goes in..comes out and leaves..

Tasha,"Sir..woh to gayi ab hum uska ghar check kar sakte hai.."

Daya,"Chalo.."

Tasha,"Darwaza band hai...Sir.."

Daya,"To kya?"

SLAM!!
Daya and Tasha go in..and they immediately call Abhijeet..and tell him to come here..

Abhijeet enters the house..

Abhijeet,"MY GAWD!!"

Daya,"Main bhi yehi bolne wala tha..alekin yeh to tumhara dialogue hai.."

Abhijeet,"Itne saare kutto ki hadiyan.."

Daya,"Mujhe to lagta hai yeh ladki hi Dharam ke liye kutte laati hogi.."

Abhijeet,"Inhe Forensic lab le jaate hai.."

At Forensic..

Dr.Salunkhe,"Boss..maine sab check kar liya hai..yeh kutto ki hi haddiyan hai.."

ACP,"Aur kuch? Yeh to hume pata tha.."

Dr.Salunkhe,"Lekin kya aap ko yeh maloom tha ki yeh kutte pehle maare gaye..phir inka khoon peeya gaya tha.."

ACP (from O-o to O-O),"Kya!??"

Dr.Salunkhe,"Haan ACP saab..inn kutto ki bones pe lage thode se flesh ko maine ANTD kiya to mujhe pata chala ki inka flesh bahut sukha hai..aur khoon bahut kam.."

Abhijeet,"Mujhe to kuch gadbad lag rahi hai Sir.."

ACP,"Haan..mujhe bhi..aur iss gadbad ka ilaaj sirf uss ladki ke paas hain.."

They go back to the house..a new door has been installed..

Abhijeet,"Daya..darwaza band hai!!"

ACP, "Daya darwaza todh do" :P

Daya,"Naya darwza!! (Yippee!! Yay!! mann mein ladoo phut rahe hai)

SLAM!

Woman is standing dangerously with a gun in one hand and a dog in another..

Woman,"Aage mat aana nahi to main iss kutte ko maar doongi.."

Abhijeet,"Dekho..gun neeche rakho..hum baat karte hai."

Woman,"Nahi..jabse Sholay dekhi..tab se dekhna chahti thi kutte ka khoon ka kaisa hota hai..aaj jab main itne kutto ka khoon pee chuki ho..tab mujhe aadat si ho gayi.."

Daya,"Tum kutto ke khoon se addicted ho!!"

Woman,"Haan!! Main addicted hoon!!"

In the meantime Vivek appears from the window..grabs the gun and a fight ensues..

Abhijeet,"Batao..tumhara Dharam ji ke saath kya connection hai?"

Woman,"Nahi.."

Tasha,"nahi batayegi.." Slap!!

Woman,"ACP Sir..main hi Dharam hoon.."

ACP (again from O-o to O-O),"MY GAWD!!'

Abhijeet,"Heiinnn.."

Daya (removing his hands from his pockets),"Tum Dharamendra ho!!"

Woman,"Haan..jab mujhe film nahi mil rahi thi..tab mere paas paise bhi nahi the..isiliye maine socha ki agar main ek khoobsurat ladki ban jaao to mujhe roles bhi milenge aur main kutte bhi kharid sakoongi kam price mein..isiliye maine face mask lagakar ladki banne ka naatak kiya.."

ACP,"Ab to tumhe faansi hogi faansi..aur woh bhi kutto ke khilaaf jurm karne ke liye..PETA tumhari khatiya khadi kar denge..ab jail mein baithke chuhoon ka khoon peena seekh lena..wohi milenge.."

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What If Daya Becomes A Sales Man

what if daya retires from cid and becomes a salesman?? this would be the situation lol!!
daya: darwaza kholo!!
man: dekho agar tum koi saleman ho to nikal jaao yaha se. Humein kuch nahi chahiye!!
daya: kya kaha? abhi dekhta hoon tujhe!!

...daya breaks the door open:(thaad)

man: yeh kya kiya tumne?

daya: chalo jald se jald koogle search engine jo humara search engine ka software hain woh aap khareed lijiye!!
customer: lekin mujhe aapka koogle nahi chahiye!!
daya: dekho agar tumne humare koogle ki beijjati ki toh mein aapke baaki darwaaze bhi tod doonga!! baad mein door ka insurance mat mangna samjhe!! chalo jald se jald khareed lo!!

man: (angrily): nahi loonga!!

daya: lagta hai tujhe mere bhasha mein convince karna padega!
pphhhaaaattttt!!!!

man(after closing his broken door and holding a cd of koogle in one hand and holding the other hand on his swollen cheek):
lagta hai aaj kal ke salesman kaafi agressive aur convincing ho gaye hai)



daya(after coming out of the housing society singing to himself):pocket mein rocket hai pocket mein!!




cid's famous search engine which gives information about anything and everything in the world including people who don't even exist lol

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Cid Joke

Bush: Osama mile, toh usey fod do !

Gandhi: Hinsa acchi baat nahin, usey chhod do!

Einstein: Samay rukta nahin, toh usey mod do!
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Manmohan Singh: sabhi gaon aur kasbon ki unnati ke liye unhe road do!

Bill Gates: Windows unlock karne ke liye usey code do!

And d best one
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ACP Praduman: Daya, khuni andar hai mein kehta hoon darwaza tod do.. :)

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Short Cid Story

the Legend of CID DOSTANA MUJRIM.(Initial parts skipped... The last segment)
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ACP : Kuch to gadbad hai...mujhe lagta hai hame Karan Johar ko arrest karna padega...Fredrix :Karan Johar ko??
Sir, aap kabse ye nawaabo wale shokh rakhne lage??
...ACP : Chup raho freddy nahi to jail mein tumhe uske saath band kar dunga....naukri to jaayegi hi, lekin badnaami zyada hogi!
Abhijeet : Sir, aapko aisa kyu lagta hai ki khoon Karan Johar ne kiya hai??
ACP (finger dance) : kyuki laash ke yaha se coffee with karan ke mugs mile hai.....Abhijeet : Iska matlab khooni Karan Johar hai?? haeinn??
ACP : Ye to waqt aane par hi pata chalega!!
CID goes to Karan Johar's place!!ACP (knocking the door) : Karan darwaza kholo...nahi to anjaam bahot bura hoga!
Karan (shouting from inside) : Nahi kholunga...mujhe aap mein se kisiki bhi niyat pe bharosa nahi hai...Daya Gets ready to smash the door door.... ACP shakes his head and says no..
ACP : Achha thik hai..main akela hi andar aaunga "God Promise"...ab to darwaza khol do...mujhpar bharosa rakho...main ek 60 saal ka aadmi hu!
Abhijeet : Darwaza kholte ho ya hum khud khol ke andar aaye? haeinn??
Karan(with a worried expression) : ACP Pradyuman...apne officer se kaho ki zabaan sambhaal ke baat kare...ashleelta na failaaye!!
ACP : Abhijeet....ise main handle karta hu, tum sab waapas bureau jao!
ACP somehow manages to bring Karan Johar to the bureau!
Abhijeet : Ab batao Mr. Karan Johar...kyu mara tumne Rita ko? haeinn?
Karan : Maine nahi mara kisi bhi Rita ko...main to use jaanta tak nahi!!
ACP : Oh my Gawdddd!!....ye chakkar kuch aur hi hai...to Karan ye batao ki tum 12 taarikh ki raat ko kaha they??
Karan (blushing) : uss raat to main shahrukh ke saath date pe gaya tha!!
ACP : jhooth mat bolo Karan...ye CID bureau hai...coffee with karan ka studio nahi....yaha hum sawaal puchhte hai aur mujrim jawaab deta hai...Daya, isse apni bhaasha mein samjhao..
Daya : Sorry sir, main aurat pe haath nahi uthaata..!!
ACP : Tasha, tum samjhao isseTasha Slaps him (bang!!)
Karan(crying) : Haa...rita ka khoon maine hi kiya hai...kyuki woh Gauri Khan ko mere aur shahrukh ke affair ke baare mein bataane wali thi...
ACP : Aur itni si baat ke liye tumne uski itni be-rehmi se hatya kar di....aari warsi khatan gayaa si...tumhe faasi hogi faasi!!Karan is being led to the gallows...but there is a twist in the tale, when out of nowhere Dr. Salunkhe pops out and stops the team...
Dr.Salunkhe:Boss yeh tumne kya kiya? Ek masoom ko faasi dene ja rahe th;e??
ACP:Kya bakwaas kar rahe ho Salunkhe..tumhara dimaag to theek hai na..
Dr.Salunkhe:Boss, mera dimaag ekdum theek hai..lekin tum lagta hai satya gaye ho..
ACP:Salunkhe, tumhe kya sanyaas chahiye..
Dr.Salunkhe:ACP Saab, Rita ka khoon KJo ne nahi kisi mard ne kiya hai..:...ACP :Kya? Yeh kaise ho sakta hai? Usne apna jurm khud kabool kiya hai
Dr.Salunkhe:Nahi Boss...maine sab dekh liya hai..Rita ki laash jab maine kareeb se dekhi tab maine ghaav ko dekha..usse kisi mard ne hi maara hai jo kareeb 40 saal ka hai..
ACP:Chaalis saal ka mard!!
Abhijeet:MY GAWD!! Sir yeh to gadbad ho gaya..na to KJo chaalis saal ka hai aur na woh mard hai..
Dr.Salunkhe:Haan Abhijeet, aur ek aur baat..uss aadmi ka sar apni jagah pe nahi hai..
ACP (O-O):Salunkhe dimaag to tumhara apne sar pe nahi hai..kya anaab shanaab bole jaa rahe ho? CID ke paas zyaada waqt nahi hai..
Dr.Salunkhe:Boss..mera matlab hai ki uss aadmi ko apna sar aur haath hilane ki aadat hai..
ACP :Aisa kaunsa aadmi ho sakta hai?
Daya:Sir..aisa to sirf ek hi hai..jiska iss case se samband haiACP:Kaun?Daya:Shahrukh Khan Sir..
Freddie:SRK!! Woh star..nahi Daya Sir..woh kaise ho sakta hai..woh to bahut bada filmstar hai..aur meri wife ka favortie bhi hai..
ACP:Yes daya..you are right!! Chalo SRK ke ghar..At Mannat
Daya:Sir..ghar pe koi hai..andar se aawaz aa rahi hai..
ACP:To kya hua? Tum jab tak darwaze nahi todoge tab tak TRP kaise badhenge..DAYA DARWAZA TOD DO!!SLAM!!
Abhijeet:Hands up! Koi apni jagah se nahi hilega..
ACP:Kyon Baadshah..pakde gaye na..
SRK looks dazed!!
SRK:Aap kaun? Aur yahaan kya kar rahe ho? Aur iss saand ne mera darwaza kyo toda?
Daya:Hum CID se hain..
ACP:Kyon..nikal gayi na hawa!! CID ke saamne achche achcho ki hawa nikal jaati hai..tum to kya... ek mamulisa actor hai...
SRK:Jubaan Sambhal kar bat kar ACP. Mein BEST hoon. Waise,kya chahiye aap logo ko?
Freddie:Autograph Sir..
ACP:Freddie..chup raho..jab jail mein jayega tab lena..waise bhi SRK ke paas aur kuch kaam to rahega nahi..SRK and

Gauri:Jail? Kyo Sir?
ACP:Woh to tumhe pata hona chahiye..Rita ka khoon kiya to laga bach jaoge..SRK:R-R-R-R-R-R-Rita??
Kaun Rita Sir?
Daya:Achcha kaun Rita?WHACK!!
SRK: A-A-A-A-A-A..Haan Sir maine hi Rita ko maara..
Abhijeet:Kyo?
SRK:Actually mere aur Karan ke beech kaafi ghehre samband the..Rita ko iska pata chala..to woh mujhe blackmail karne lagi..aur kehne lagi ki woh Gauri ko sab bata degi..isiliye maine..maine usse maar diya..
Daya:Aur KJo ne yeh apne sar pe kyo liya?
SRK:Hum dono ek doosre ko bahut chahte hain..karan ka mere siwa koi nahi lekin mere to biwi bachche hai na..isilioye meri married life bachane ke liye..usne yeh jurm apne naam liya..
ACP:Wha kya dostana hai!!
Ab jail mein bhi yehi dosti ke saath jeena!! Aur Dostana ka sequel bhi..par usse pahile tumhe faasi hogi! faasi!!

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Cid Vs 3 Idiots

 

New Ending to 3 IDIOTS :

After Rancho suddenly disappears from ICE, Raju and Farhan Decide to call the world famous CID.

ACP: Ohh MY GODD !!! Rancho Gayab hai !! Abhijeet, Daya...campus ko acchi tarah se CHECK KARO !! Woh zaroor koi na koi suraag chhod gaya hoga !! (Shaking his finger)

(After searchin the campus like a pair of buffoons...Abhijeet and Daya find out that Joy had committed suicide 4 years back in the campus...)

Abhijeet: Sir, Mamla Gadbad hai...Yaha kisi joy naam ke student NE aatma-hatya ki thi 4 saal pehle. Lagta hai woh aatma hatya nahi...khoon tha...aur shayad khooni yeh rancho hi hoga !!!

ACP: OHH MY GODD !!!

ACP: Yeh joy ki kabar khod ke uski laash bahar nikalo...aur use forensic lab me leke aao...Dr. Salunkhe zarur koi na koi baat ughalva denge iss murde aadmi se !!

(after fredricks does all the digging and brings out the dead body of joy...and the next scene is of the forensic lab)

Dr. Salunkhe: ACP, bahot jaldi laash laaye tum...isse kuch bulvana mushkil hoga...lekin tum tension mat lo...tum Dr. Salunkhe ke lab se khali haat nahi jaoge..koi na koi raaz toh pata chal hi jayega

(after playin with some colour changing liquids)

Dr. Salunkhe : BOSS...tumne kaha isski maut suicide se hui hai...main kehta hu..iska khoon hua hai !!

ACP: Salunkhe !!! Mazaak ka waqt nahi hai !!...yeh kaise ho sakta hai??

Salunkhe: BOSS...sab kuch mumkin hai !! Yeh dekho...(shows him his star-trek type computer and does some really fast typing)

ACP: OHH MY GODD !! (still shaking his finger)....toh phir yeh baat hamein kisi NE batayi kyu nahi ??...ek kaam karo...uss principal ko yahaan leke aao bureau me...AB kya sach hai..wahi hamein batayega !!

(virus is brought to the bureau)

Virus: Sssir, mujhe yahaan kyun bulaya hai...Maine kuch nahi kiya

Abhijeet: sach sach batao...uss raat campus me kya hua tha???

Virus: sssir, main sssach bol raha hu...mujhe kuch nahi pata hai??

(daya gives him his special CHAMAAAT !!!)

Daya: Ab yaad aaya kuch???

Virus: Haan Sir, sab yaad AA gaya...Bata ta hu...sab Bata ta hu !

Fredricks: (constipated look)..sir.. daya sir ke chamaat me toh jaadu hai...iska 'sssss' kehna band ho gaya

ACP: Fredricks..chup raho !!

Virus: uss raat sab logo NE gay party ki thi....sab log apni underwear me campus me ghoom rahe the....main bhi tha...lekin mere saath koi flirt hi nahi kar raha tha...isliye main bahot gusse me tha...phir Joy aaya aur usne mujhe uska helicopter dikhaya...Maine uska helicopter gutter me fek diya..toh woh rote rote apne room me chale gaya. Aur next din humne dekha toh uska murder ho gaya tha...lekin aap please yeh baat kisi se boliye mat...college ki badnaami ho jayegi...

ACP: hum kisi ko nahi batayenge... tum hamare saath co-operate karo

(virus leaves)

ACP: yahaan kuch toh gadbad hai daya....aisa kaise ho sakta hai ki campus me khoon ho gaya aur kisi NE CID ko bulaya hi nahin??

Abhijeet: sir shayad logo ko pata hai...ki pehle police ko bulana chaiye...CID ko nahi !!

ACP: Aur yeh kaise hua ki khooni campus me AA gaya..aur campus se khoon kar ke nikal gaya??

Vivek : Sir, shayad yeh bhi ho sakta hai ki khooni koi student hi ho?

ACP: haan vivek...kuch bhi ho sakta hai...kuch bhi (shaking finger)..ek kaam karo abhijeet...phir se campus me chalte hain...aur acchi tarah se check karte hain...yahaan daal me kuch kaala hai !!

Abhijeet: sir daal me kala nahi...puri daal mere jaisi kaali hi hai !!

(they reach the campus in their ol' faithful qualis which changes colour every episode...but the number plate is still the same...and daya slams the breaks....SCCHRREEE ECH !!)

ACP: Abhijeet, Vivek tum pura campus CHECK KARO....Daya tum iss campus ke saare DARWAAZE TOD DO !!....Fredricks. ..tum sab logo ko tumhare jokes se entertain karo...aur main yahaan baith ke apni ungli hilata hu....chalo sab apne apne kaam pe lag jaao !!

(after checking the campus)

Vivek: Sir, yahaan aiye....yeh dekho...yeh ek chatur naam ke ladke ki diary mili hai sir...isme likha hai ki woh rancho aur rancho ek dusre ke dushman the...aur woh rancho se badla Lena chahta tha !!

ACP : (shaking finger...as usual)...OHH MY GODD !!! AB yeh Chatur kaun hai...aur iske room se itni baas kyun AA rahi hai !!...Good work vivek !!...iss evidence ko forensic lab Le jao !

Abhijeet: Haain !!! Sir, dheere dheere sab pata chal raha hai...shayad se iss chatur NE hi joy ka khoon kiya hoga !! Aur rancho kahaan gaya...usse hi pata hoga !!

ACP: Toh bulao iss Chatur ko Bureau mein...isse hi pooch ke dekhte hain !!

(chatur in interrogation)

ACP: Rancho kahaan hai ??

Chatur : I Don't Know Sir !! Mujhe nahi pata !!

Abhijeet: Dekho Sach Sach Batao !! Hamein yeh diary mili hai tumhare room se...isme saaf saaf likha hai ki tumhein rancho se jalan thi

Chatur : (over-acting) ...mujhe nahi pata hai sir !! maine kuch nai kiya hai

(Daya gives ONE TIGHT SLAP and the chair spins)

Chatur: Haan haan...maine hi khoon kiya tha joy ka...kyonki usne mechanical helicopter banaya tha project me...aur maine sirf paper ka rocket banaya tha....boo hoo hoo !! Lekin phir woh kambakht Rancho aa gaya...usne mujhe dekh liya tha...isliye maine usko bhi gayab kar diya

ACP: waah...kya plan banaya tha...lekin afsos tum CID ke saamne kamiyaab nahi ho paaye...ab banate rehna plan...JAIL me...Tumhe toh FAASI hogi FAASI !!

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